Being a Hypochondriac and Other Irritating Things About Me

For the last couple of days, I have had really bad anxiety. I've never been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, but it definitely goes along with my personality: ADHD, insomnia, general...caution. It was really bad when I was really little. I remember not being able to sleep and bursting into random tears at a REALLY young age because I was thinking about death, murder, armageddon, going to hell, getting kidnapped, etc. I really should have been in child therapy. You know how all of those animated kids' films always have a main character who has one or two dead parents? Yeah, that really freaked me out. Started my death phase. I think this was before kindergarten. I remember watching movies with my sister, leaving in the middle, and secretly laying in my parents' bed. When my mom would realize I was gone, she would come in to find out what I was doing and what was wrong, and then would come my baby anxiety attacks (BIG anxiety attacks, but you know, I was a baby). I thought my parents would die. Thanks, Disney. I remember having nightmares about ending up in hell...which was a giant red tube that led to nowhere--like the kind in McDonald's playgrounds. Thanks, McDonald's. (McDonald's = Hell? I was a pretty smart kid!) I would have these visions of ending up in hell, and I would just have nervous breakdowns--I remember having one in the den once and having to explain it to my dad. I wonder if they were worried? I am pretty sure those kinds of breakdowns aren't normal for a 4 year old.

When I was a little bit older, I thought I was going crazy. I thought I was hearing voices (which were just my thoughts...I guess I had just learned what schizophrenia was). I thought I would kill myself (guess I had just heard about suicide). I also thought I was gay (because that would be the WORST THING EVER. Got my big girl crushes mixed up with actually liking girls sometimes). Basically, anything I heard about, I thought that THAT was wrong with me. I had an obsession with pregnancy and childbirth. Sometimes if I had a stomachache, I thought I was pregnant. This could have been avoided had SOMEONE explained to me how one gets pregnant. Go...homeschooling.

Today, all of these farfetched crazy childhood things are gone. They have settled into general anxiety. The anxiety makes me hyperventilate a bit. I also have this funny tingly feeling on the right side of my head, which I am convinced is a brain tumor. No matter my sinuses are congested. No matter that it's worse when I am worried about it. No matter that my entire spine hurts and I need to see a chiropractor. No no, this is a brain tumor. Thanks, Grey's Anatomy.

My point is this: I've got a bit of the crazies. Should I get some Xanax? See a psychiatrist? It's usually not too bad, and I really avoid prescription drugs like the plague. Exercise and meditation help, but I don't know coping mechanisms for what to do when it hits and I am at school or driving or something. Oh yeah, and weed and alcohol exacerbate the problem. I can't even calm down from depressants! Nature's Xanax! My brain is chemically very very strange.