Baby's First Rave + A Severe LA Allergy

So, last Friday night I worked at a RAVE at the Palladium. I've never been to a rave. It really blew because I was standing in front of a broken exit door for 8 hours until 3am. BUT--it was so cool!!! I want to go to raves now. Some guy offered me ecstasy. Another guy gave me a bracelet. Another guy taught me how to dance and gave me a raver name (Applebee). I got tons of cool glove-y finger-light shows (and let me tell you, you don't have to be high to think they are AWESOME). The music was cool, too! It was so hard not just abandoning work and joining in. And you know, there were a bunch of half-naked, horny, high, drunk teenagers and the place was packed to the brim, but I didn't see one fight break out! You know, aside for leaving holes in your brain, ecstasy might be the answer to all of humanity's problems.

Jonathan and I are miserable in LA. I guess I always have been. Even when I was "happy" and "in love" (note the quotes), I knew that LA wasn't for me. I've never been able to really connect with the people or the city. I never even want to leave the house because of the traffic. I feel lost and isolated and alone and like I am just counting down the days until I finally get out of this freaking dysfunctional relationship. I think things would have been different if I had not been such a stupid 17-20 year old and completely isolated myself in my relationship. I would have had a group of college friends and some nice college memories. I will always regret that decision. But, since I have yet to perfect a time machine (hopefully Balloon Boy's dad is working on it), I will just have to look forward. Every so often, I find a real, honest-to-God person in LA. It's very rare, but when it happens, I want to be around them all the time. That's why I'm always with Jonathan (also, we live together). I just wish it was easier. Like, I could just take a subway somewhere, meet someone for coffee spontaneously in ten minutes, and have some real connections with people. I feel like this is possible in other cities. Like New York (thank you metro system)! And Portland (thanks, clean buses)! I just feel so incredibly stuck and depressed and anxious. I wish I was an irrational person who could just drink or do drugs and at least have some fun in my sorrow. I know I sound incredibly negative, but there's not much for me here. There's nothing left. It's pretty bad when I am EXCITED to move back to Yuba City. I've tried to make the most of things from time to time, but at this point, I'm just trying to speed up these last couple of months as quickly as possible. Which means I should have no fear (but alas, I do).

I wonder if I'll miss LA or college. Right now, it seems really unlikely.