Amy's Best Actor/Actress List

On this list, I have LIVING actors.  This is leaving out the Audrey Hepburns and Jimmy Stewarts.  This is a modern list, y'all.

Actors (in no particular order)

1. George Clooney -- I think I underestimate him at times because he's so darn handsome, but he blows me away in just about every performance.  I just saw him in "The Descendants," and he's even good as a sad-sack Hawaiian-shirt wearing man.  He proved that he doesn't have to be slick to be good.

2. Ryan Gosling -- Aside from my major boner for this guy, Ryan Gosling is an amazing, amazing actor.  He is especially good at playing brooding, sexy, slighty-scary dudes, but he can also be so incredibly charming.  I will see just about any movie he's in.

3. Philip Seymour Hoffman -- Quite possibly the most versatile actor I have ever seen.

4. Jon Hamm -- YES, I might be going through a huge "Mad Men" phase right now, but I am amazed at a man who can be so brooding and pensive sometimes, while charming and silly at others.  And he looks like a Disney prince.

5. Patrick Wilson -- While my feelings for him might not be as strong as they are for the first four guys, I would really like to see Patrick Wilson do more things.  Sure, he may always play the slightly stifled wholesome-but-not father/husband role, but I think there's a lot more in him.

6. Matt Damon -- Like Seymour Hoffman, this guy can (and DOES) do anything.  

Actresses

1. Michelle Williams -- She impresses me in all that she does, and I think she's the best young actress right now.

2. Carey Mulligan -- Another cute girl with big cheeks and a pixie cut, she has emerged in the last few years, and I hope it stays that way.

3. Kate Winslet -- She's gonna be off the list if she doesn't do something impressive soon!

4. Meryl Streep -- Well, duh.

5. Emma Thompson -- Always heartbreaking, whether she wants to be or not.

6. Charlize Theron -- Equally pretty and talented, but "Young Adult" was a big ol' flop.

7. Gabourey Sidibe -- JUST KIDDING.

Ladies I want to see so much more of!

1. Elisabeth Moss -- SO good on Mad Men, so cute in Get Him To the Greek.  More!

2. Elizabeth Olsen -- the twins' little sis.  She was so good in Martha Marcy May Marlene.

3. Jessica Chastain -- Had three lead roles this year!  The Help, Tree Of Life, and Take Shelter.  Keep it coming!

4. Mia Wasikowska -- Amazing in "The Kids Are All Right."  Seems like a real wunderkind.

5. Shailene Woodley -- Knocked my socks off in "The Descendants" tonight.

6. Marion Cotillard -- Her acting and heartbreaking beauty were the highlights of "La Vie en Rose" and "Midnight In Paris."

New Hair!

My gurlz

I am so blessed to have so many strong, amazing female friends.  Amy, Allie, Kiyoko, and Lizz are all wonderful and supportive and loving.  I know that not everyone has the luxury of close friends who know you inside and out and show you unconditional love.  Why am I so lucky to have several?

Oh man

What an extraordinary day.

Little Baby Children

There's one thing that always brightens my day, no matter how broke or heartbroken I am (which is my constant state of being), and that thing is spending time with little kids and/or babies.  This morning, I began the summer session of Music Romp, the toddler music program I manage and teach here in SLO.  This was my first time meeting my class of 6 (although, there were only five there today).  The class consists of 4-year-old triplets (2 girls and 1 boy), a four year old boy, and a two-year-old boy.  The difference between a 2 and 4 year old is amazing.  The four year olds are independent and silly and lots of fun.  They can count and take directions and have conversations, whereas the two year olds are pretty attached to their moms, get shy, and don't want to participate.  There is something I've noticed from teaching these classes, though--all kids, regardless of age, love banging on a drum.  Hell, I do, too.  Sometimes I think I'm having more fun than the kids are.

Anyway, four year olds are amazing.  They all love you and want to sit on your lap and hold you hand and tell you stories.  One of the boys started picking me flowers (weeds) from the grass, and then they all did, making me a "bouquet."  It was much like starring on The Bachelorette, except instead of a bunch of skeevy men vying for my attention and 15 minutes of fame, it's a bunch of adorable children handing you flowers and giving you hugs.  How magical.

I really can't wait to have my own kids.  It will be so much fun and cuddles and sweetness and flowers.  This morning made me reconsider my choice to teach middle schoolers...maybe I'm more cut out for preschool and kindergartners!  But only if I could somehow get away with not doing arts and crafts.

Over the Border (written on June 30)

Today was a day full of driving, Tally Hall, and crazy weather!  We woke up fairly early and went over to a coffee shop by the waterfront in Sarnia.  We could see America right across the little river!  I convinced Becky and Adam to stop at Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum in Farmington Hills, Michigan.  One of my favorite bands, Tally Hall, has an album named after the museum, and frequently references it.  Even the band name, Tally Hall, is a reference to where the museum used to be located.  Tally Hall isn’t just a band I love, it’s also a band that I’ve seen live twice and spent hours singing along with with my best friends, Amy and Allie.  WE love Tally Hall, and as the twins are now in Thailand, the whole Tally Hall-day made me miss them immensely.  The museum was very cool and creepy, full of arcade games, animatronics, antiques, collectibles, and just kooky, “Are You Afraid Of the Dark?” type stuff.  If you’ve ever been to Museé Mechanique in San Francisco, it’s kind of like a smaller, more tightly packed version of that.

After leaving the museum and getting really pumped up about Tally Hall, we listened to their whole “Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum” album in the car.  Then we stopped in Ann Arbor, Michigan (home of Tally Hall) for lunch.  We had delicious Ethiopian Food that was vegan and filling at Blue Nile Restaurant.  Then, I slept in the car for awhile.  Also, played Tiny Wings on my sister’s iPhone.  Oh, tiny-winged bird, how I’ve missed you!  We went through a time zone change.  It’s always cool to time travel.  

We got to Chicago around 6:00pm.  I haven’t had much time here yet, but so far, so good.  All within a few hours, we experienced crazy heat/humidity, wind, rain, thunder, and lightning in Chicago.  It’s pretty cool to watch crazy lightning behind the skyline of a big city.  I also learned how to not get struck by lightning.  Useful!

For dinner, we stopped at Cafecito, a little Cuban place with free wi-fi!  It was one of my favorite meals on this trip so far.  When I went up to the counter to start asking about what was vegan, the owner helped me out.  I said, “Is your black bean soup--” and he interrupted, “Vegan?  Yes.”  Awesome!  How did he know?  Then I asked about the Eleez sandwich, and he assured me that even the bread is vegan and there is no butter.  I guess Chicago IS a vegan-friendly city!  He said people ask all the time.  The soup was pretty much really well-cooked/spiced/sauced black beans beside white rice.  Simple and delicious!  The sandwich was even more special: plantains, peanut butter, and guava.  Like a PB&J with plantains and delicious, grilled bread!  The owner said he was probably opening a location in LA next year, so I’ll be tracking this place down!

Tomorrow: Hopefully more vegan food, a better feel for Chicago, and winding this trip down with a bang!  I leave for home on Saturday!

Pictures!

I'm stealing pictures from Rachel, just like the good old NZ days!  I'm glad I have friends and family I can count on to take pictures, as I always fail.

Me and Molly the Cow.

Kostume Karaoke in D.C., singing/rapping "Just a Friend" by Biz Markie.

Rachel and I at the farm.

Sheep.

Double-fisting turkeys.

Rachel and sheep!

From Toronto to Narnia, All in a Day's Work

I spent the WHOLE DAY IN CANADA!  This is a dream come true.  I hope that in my next life I will be Canadian.  Vancouver and Toronto ALMOST convince me that I should be a city girl...rather than a mid-size city girl.  According to Adam, Vancouver is supposed to be like SF and Toronto is supposed to be like NY.  I can see it.  Toronto is big--a REAL city.  It is also Hipster Heaven.  Every storefront seems to be a quirky cafe (BOARD GAME CAFE...Rachel and Jeff), a vintage clothing store, a posh ethnic restaurant, a trendy boutique, an art gallery, or a used bookstore.  Here's what we did: Panacea, an ALL-vegan grocery store/eco-shop, where I got tons of chocolate-y things.  It was cool, but very expensive.  If you've been to Food Fight Grocery in Portland, it's a lot like that.  You may have heard of Panacea as an online vegan shopping haven, because it is.

Then, we ate poutine at a place that had vegan gravy and Daiya cheese.  Poutine is a Canadian (French) thing, which is french fries topped with gravy and cheese curds, and sometimes other things, too.  It was good, but not exceptional.  However, the place was called "Poutini's House of Poutine."  Ahaha.

Then we went on a Steam Whistle Brewery Tour, right by the CN Tower, which is the third tallest tower in the world!  THE WORLD!!!!  The Brewery Tour was okay, with lots of free beer.

Now, we are in Sarnia, right on the border of Canada and Michigan, right on Lake Ontario.  It is a small town and we are staying in a Super 8.  Also, it still wasn't completely dark at 10pm, which is hella weird!  Tomorrow, we head to Chicago, stopping for lunch in Ann Arbor, Michigan (WORD UP, TALLY HALL!).

This trip is almost over.  How strange.  Stay tuned for pictures!

Ohhhhh, Caaaanadaaaaa!!!!

There have been six words I've been singing all day.  The first two are "Ohhhh, Canadaaaa!" and the last four are "Don't go chasing waterfalls..."  It's been a very waterfall-y couple of days.  Rachel and I went to the Watkins Glen State Park gorge (where you can walk behind a waterfall!) on Saturday evening, and the Robert H. Treman State Park (home of Lucifer Falls, which is giant and scary and amazing and proposal-y) near Ithaca on Sunday.  Today, my sister, her husband, and I stopped by the Watkins Glen park again and walked behind a waterfall, and then we went to the mother of all waterfalls: Niagara Falls!  Niagara Falls is so gigantic, it's almost looks fake.  It's so scary!!!  But really amazing.  We took the "Maid of the Mist" boat and got totally wet, but they give you these ponchos made of blue plastic bags that do a really good job of making you really hot and dry.

Then, we drove to Toronto, which is where I am now!  Hello, Joni Mitchell and Michael Cera!  It's a very big, hopping, artsy, poshy city, it appears.  We're in a fancy hotel, which is weird.  I ate mediocre "Asian Fusion" Pad Thai just now.  More Toronto tomorrow, then we're staying in Sarnia (aka Narnia), Ontario, and then going to Chicago on Thursday, stopping in Ann Arbor (Good Day, Tally Hall!), and passing through Detriot (goodbye, cruel world).

My brother-in-law, Adam, has inspired me to not date.  At all.  And just not even think about it.  Which sounds really relaxing and new.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, hell has frozen over.

Some things are too sad to stop thinking about...

While Rachel and I were driving from D.C. to the farm, we were driving in Pennsylvania.  I saw a little animal about to cross the highway up ahead and alerted Rachel.  We slowed down, as did the car in the lane next to us, and all the cars behind us (obviously).  It was a really little fawn, freaked out, who crossed the road.  There was a wall between the Northbound and Southbound side of the highway, and the fawn really wanted to get over it.  It even just rammed itself into the divider-wall thing in desperation.  We got to a bridge, hoping the fawn would just keep moving forward until we were not over water.  The little deer then jumped over the wall and into the small crevice between each side of the freeway, disappearing.  Baby Deer dropped into the water, far below.  It was horrifying.

I can't stop thinking about it.

The Farm!!!

(Written Yesterday, but no internet!!!)

Today was the first and main day of the Farm Sanctuary Former Intern Retreat.  Apparently, they have one of these every five years, so now I have something to look forward to in five years!  I forgot how incredibly beautiful it is up here.  It’s a really unique landscape--low mountains COVERED in trees.  Looks like broccoli.  Random lakes and rivers.  And the most amazing gorge in the history of gorges.  You could even say it’s GORGE-ous.  And I have.  Often.

The retreat was great for a lot of reasons.  I really wish some of my fellow July 2009 interns could have made it.  It was really nice to see people reuniting, and I would have loved to reunite with some people!  I’m really glad Rachel was able to come to the farm with me because so far, I haven’t gotten to share the farm with anyone I know, outside of the farm.  

Here are some things:

1. The animals are still amazing.  Goats and sheep are still incredibly sweet and affectionate.  There are baby goats who act just like puppies.  
2. Being at the farm felt like being home.  If home was a place where there were about fifty people who were very strange and socially awkward.
3. I feel empowered to make a change for farm animals.  Not that I didn’t before, but sometimes you get caught up in your own life and forget that it’s not all that hard to put in some time and effort for animal rights!  I think I should leaflet.  
4. I went to the gorge, as I previously mentioned, and I couldn’t stop thinking about Dylan, who passed away last year.  I remember standing behind that waterfall with Dylan.  Dylan, who was a magnet, whether he wanted to be or not.  Dylan, who was mysterious, but still made you feel like he really “got” you.  Dylan, who, between intense, enigmatic, profound words and thoughts could be immensely silly and fun and carefree.  Dylan’s dance moves.  Dylan’s smoothies.  Dylan’s stream of consciousness surrealist games’ poetry.  Dylan’s warmth and lack of judgment.  We all loved him and were confused by him and wanted his friendship and feared his depth.  Dylan, who I miss.
5. To Lauren and Jackie and LeoLin and Dawn: I miss you!  Being on the farm has brought back so many wonderful memories of friendship and sadness and growth and fun.  I wish you could have been here.
6. Everything is put into perspective.  Being away from SLO for awhile has helped me to let go of some unwanted...stuff.  I feel a lot of things, but primarily, I feel free.  I feel stronger.  I feel good.  I remember who I am and what I am and what I believe and what I want and mostly, that I am a person who has some sort of value and identity and lust for life.

Today (as in right now, as in when I actually do have internet):

I got to spend some more time on the farm this afternoon, getting all licked and exfoliated by a calf tongue.  One that is attached to a calf.  Cause I realize that sounds like gross meat or something.

Here are some things:

1. Some vegan activists really know how to be weird and turn off the non-vegans (and vegans)...what a shame for the movement.

2. There is a really gigantic and beautiful waterfall/gorge near Ithaca at Robert H. Treman State Park.  I think waterfalls and gorges might be my favorite very pretty thing in nature.

3. I wrote a memory page in the Intern Memory book for Dylan today.

4. Sesame Nuggets.

5. No internet SUCKS.  I'm sitting in a Dunkin' Donuts parking lot receiving WiFi right now.

Later, D.C.!

Today was a lazy day.  Since I last wrote, I have gone to karaoke and sang "Just a Friend" by Biz Markie.  I like rapping at karaoke whilst wearing a princess hat.  It makes me feel empowered.

Today, I ate soft-serve vegan ice cream from Sticky Fingers.  It was amazing.

I also saw Super 8, which was amazing.

Then I ate vegan nachos and a vegan quesadilla, which were amazing.

I am so full.

I am very excited about doing a twee special format show on KCPR, and I'm very excited that the first two shows will be hosted by a very special and trusted guest, who is pretty damn twee himself!  This whole thing means discovering new music and getting to get down to the core of my being...which is a cuddly, perpetually heartbroken, yet still somewhat sunny person.

TOMORROW, Rachel and I are driving to Watkins Glen, NY, where we will be all farmy!!!  I can't wait to get to the farm.  That's what I've been most excited about for months.  GOAT CUDDLES!!!!!  SHEEP-FUCKING!!!!  Wait, what???

D.C. So Far

Today was my second day in Washington, D.C., and so far, I'm very impressed!  Yesterday, I visited the Smithsonian American History and Natural History Museum.  I hadn't been since I was 8 years old, and those museums seemed so much BIGGER back then!  They are still very big, but much more "doable" now.  Maybe that's because I don't mind just doing the parts of the museum that interest me the most.  The Natural History Museum had a REALLY cool nature photography exhibit, as well as an interesting traveling race exhibit.  I also saw the Hope Diamond, which doesn't impress me much.

The American History Museum was full of patriotic/war/American History stuff, so I stuck to the pop culture things!  Fonzie's jacket, Julia Child's kitchen, Michael Jackson's hat (which is a very ordinary-looking hat, actually), etc.  Rachel and I also had lunch in the food court at the Post Office Building.  Yummy yummy all-vegetarian Indian food!  Plus, we took the elevator to the top of the building so that I could get my bearings and Rachel could point out the D.C. landmarks.  I also walked through the National Portrait Gallery, where I decided which historical figures were the HOTTEST.  Alexander Hamilton--You win!

It's really sticky-hot here, although I know it gets even worse than this.  I don't do well in heat.  Plus, everything is really over-air-conditioned, so there's a lot of body temperature shock going on.

Last night, Jeff, Rachel, and I went to a vegan soul food place for dinner.  I had a vegan steak and cheese sub, which was VERY saucy and good!  The Mac and "Cheese" didn't impress me as much.  I want ooey gooey Daiya-y saucy Mac and Cheese, and this was more like...nutritional yeasty.  Then, we went to check out the Memorials.  It's a pretty long walk to get to the Memorials, and I'm not sure if I felt like it was worth it.  The Lincoln Memorial is pretty rad, but more importantly, there was a WICKED lightning storm lighting up the sky while walking around the Mall.  Very cool.  Very postcard.  I really wanted to go to the Jefferson Memorial and dance, which is "illegal," but then I got bored/tired and just wanted to go home.  The public transportation here is pretty good, but it surprisingly doesn't reach very many of the touristy spots, so there is a lot of walking to be had.  It's times like these that I wish I wasn't wearing 2-year old flip flops that make me feel like I'm walking barefoot.  It's times like these that I really wish my spine was straight.

Today, we went to the Holocaust Museum, which was amazing.  It's really well laid-out and effective.  It was not only an emotional message, but also a great history lesson.  The museum is laid-out in a linear way that takes you through history and acts as a tour guide (without being an annoying person).  I especially like that after you are through with the Holocaust/WW2, there's a very poignant section on genocides that are going on today (Darfur, anyone?).  It's a good reminder that there are still plenty of murders that people aren't stepping in to stop.  It makes me feel really guilty, actually.  All of the visuals and facts about concentration/labor/killing camps really remind me of factory farming.  Why isn't anyone paying attention to THAT?

Before the Holocaust Museum, we went to Sticky Fingers, an all-vegan restaurant/bakery.  I had an amazing brownie.  I will be going back for STICKY BUNS.

For late lunch, we went to Cafe Green, another all-vegan restaurant.  I had an avocado/Daiya/tempeh/spinach/saucy panini.  It was DELICIOUS.  This is a really great city for vegan food.

Things D.C. has that SLO does not:

1. Humidity
2. Lightning Bugs
3. Black People

Even though D.C. is pretty cool, I am so not a city girl.  I don't like having things take forever to get to.  And germs.  And crowds of people.  And everything costing money (except for all the public museum stuff here).  I love me some mid-size cities!  Shout out to SLO and YC!

TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO COSTUME KARAOKE.

America's Ball Sack

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Summer Vacation!!!

Hi Blog-Readers!  I'm done whining about ex-boyfriends now.  Are you happy about that?  I sure am.  I finally feel happy and free for the first time in a long time.  Hopeful!  Not like a terrible person!  Not boiling with rage or weighed down by guilt!  What a weight off my shoulders and bed, amirite?

Anyway, enough about that.  Really.  I'm in LA right now, about to embark on an almost-two-week long journey!  Tomorrow, I'm flying out of LAX for Washington, DC, where I'm spending a few days with my friend Rachel and her boyfriend, Jeff.  I studied abroad in New Zealand with Rachel in 2008 and we did a fair amount of traveling together there, as well as a road trip up to Vancouver in 2009, so I know we are good travel buddies.  I'm really looking forward to having her show me around her city, which I haven't visited since I was eight years old!  I remember being really mystified by Washington, DC as a kid, and I'm sure I'll get so much more out of it now.  Plus, everything is free (unless you consider the tax dollars...)!!!  Smithsonians, memorials, HOLOCAUST MUSEUM (yaaaay!) -- FREE!  Such good news for my ever-shrinking checking account and ever-growing Daddy Debt.

On Friday, Rachel and I are driving up to Watkins Glen, New York, where we will be staying with my former co-worker, Cyndy!  Watkins Glen is the home of Farm Sanctuary, the largest farm animal sanctuary in the U.S., and site of my life-changing summer internship in 2009.  I cannot express how excited I am to go to the farm!  The whole world falls away in this vegan bubble, full of people who have devoted their lives to better the lives of farm animals.  Also, I get to cuddle with some sheep and goats!  I'm hoping some of my goat/sheep friends from 2009 are still there (including my boyfriend, Cash, who tried to mount me on my last day at the farm).  This place isn't just a farm animal sanctuary, but it's also a sanctuary for people, and I'm really glad I get to share that with Rachel.  On Saturday and Sunday, the farm is holding a retreat for former interns, complete with guest speakers, a bonfire, and plenty of vegan food!  Hopefully I can finally score big with Gene Baur, the Farm Sanctuary founder and my biggest celebrity crush (tied with J-Timb!).

Rachel will go back to Washington, DC on Sunday or Monday, and then my sister and her husband, Adam, will pick me up from the farm on Tuesday!  They are currently on a giant roundtrip, cross-country road trip, and the timing worked out perfectly for me to tag along with them for a few days!  I'll be joining them for the Niagara Falls, Toronto, and Chicago portion of their trip.  I haven't been to any of those places, so I'm pretty excited!  I will hopefully get to see my friend, LeoLin, in Chicago and eat at Chicago Diner (vegan landmark).

I fly home on July 2nd, and return to real life.  Wah wahhhhh.  I couldn't be more excited!!

Everything's coming up roses!  ( <---- gaayyy)

#1 Blog

Why Alive People Love Dead People So Much

There's something that really creeps me out about a lot of people.  Tell me if you've ever noticed this:

A young person dies.  Suddenly, everyone they have ever met is "their best friend" and thinks that they're "an angel," "a beautiful soul," "the sweetest person they've ever met," "looking down on them from heaven" (even if the person writing it and the person who died don't believe in heaven).  It's all over facebook.  Everyone changes their profile picture to that ONE picture they had of them and the dead person, cropping out all other people.  Everyone wants to know that dead person.  Everyone wants to be sadder than the next.  Suddenly, someone you only small-talked with becomes someone who "you miss so much, every day."

What the fuck is up with that?  It's weird and exploitative and just kind of...sick!  Now, I'm sad when people I know die.  It's sad.  It's sad when any young person dies.  But, unless it's someone I was close with, their absence in my life doesn't really change anything.  I might contemplate on mortality and feel really sad for their family and close friends, but I'm not like, "OHHHHH, EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT NOW!  I CAN FEEL YOU WATCHING ME FROM HEAVEN!"  Yikes.

Here are my possible theories for why people do this:

1. They really just love attention.  They want to be the sad person who everyone feels sorry for.

2. They're kind of a sicko.

3. They are actually really sad people and this gives them a way to manifest all their pent up sad feelings into something that is totally normal to be sad about.

4. They think it makes them popular.  Higher status.  Like, in high school, you know how there was always like, one kid who died every couple of years?  Everyone would be in mourning.  EVERYONE went to the funeral.  Whoever knew the dead kid the best became infamous.  If you were DATING the dead kid, even better!

The totally creepy truth is this: No one is ever going to love you as much as when you're young and dead.  You will be worshipped.  An ANGEL.  BEAUTIFUL.  Put up on this amazing pedestal, and everyone you've ever met is going to say something wonderful about you.  And you won't even be around to see it!  Damn!  I understand why Tom Sawyer faked his own death now.

Stop being creepy, people.

Psychotic Bitch!

For every girl who has been called psycho, insane, nuts, crazy, etc...

You probably were.

But, hear me out.  You didn't start out that way.  Well, maybe you did.  I don't know your story.  However, the people who call you mean names, like crazy, are usually the people who have made you crazy in the first place.

Sometimes, you just feel like acting like a goddamned loony.  What else do you have to lose?  Sometimes, you just hear monkey noises in your head.  Sometimes the crazy, rage-y feelings are too much, and you just wanna throw something.  And who's gonna stop you?  The person who made you feel this way already thinks you're crazy.

Just remember, if you were actually crazy, you'd know.  Acting crazy when you're feeling hurt, trapped, frustrated, and just utterly devastated does not make you generally crazy.

We've all been called those names at some point.  Trust me, though.  You're good.  We're good.

The Weight Of Your Words

There have been three times in my life that someone has called me/insinuated that I was fat.  The first was a guy named Bryan, who was friends with my ex-boyfriend.  Someone left their Myspace (yes, it was that long ago) open, and he had sent someone a message referring to me as a "chubby 19-year-old."  Growing up, I was always really skinny.  Despite my genetic predisposition for obesity, I was a string-bean, who could eat anything I wanted without working off the calories.  The weight gain was so gradual, I didn't even really notice...until I was called a "chubby 19-year old."  That thoughtless comment, which the guy probably didn't think twice about, sent me into a tailspin of dieting that was near-dangerous.  I was obsessively counting calories (Weight Watcher points, actually) for about 6 months.  I lost about 15 pounds in 2 months, which is a lot for someone who didn't start out very big.  The pleasure I got from dropping weight, doing math for every bite, and fitting into high school clothes became compulsive.  I didn't want to do anything outside of the house that might involve me slipping up and eating more calories than I had allotted to my day.  At home, in my kitchen, with my legal pad listing everything I ate that day, I was in control.  The master of my destiny.  I could fight the doom of pending obesity off with my little point system.

I ended up studying abroad in New Zealand, where I, quite frankly, lost count.  I started gaining weight there, after eating crummy, processed college food and going out drinking for the first time in my life.  I started feeling pretty bad about myself, and since then, have had bouts of dieting, but none so successful as that first time.  I keep thinking I could do it all over again--I did it once!  However, the busy, college lifestyle and lack of money makes it hard.  Or maybe that's just excuses for me to keep eating like a fatass.

The second time someone called me fat happened a couple of years ago by a mean, older Korean woman in Santa Monica who was giving me a massage.  In the middle of my "relaxing" massage, she says, "You eat too much, you get fat.  You not fat now, but you need be careful."  I almost started crying on that massage table.  I hated that woman.  Who does that?!  In the middle of your expensive, relaxing, private time, while you're naked and vulnerable on a table...that bitch.

The third time happened today.  This is by far the worst.  My ex-boyfriend tweeted a comment about how breaking up with me was "a weight off his shoulders and a weight of his bed...poor bed had to support all that weight."  I've told him before that the meanest thing he could call me was fat, but so far, he had never crossed that line.  Now, I think, he must have been completely disgusted by my naked body.  All the vulnerability and nakedness in a sexual relationship...and now I think he must have just been staring at my cellulite or love handles or chubby arms.  My heart absolutely sank when I read this.  What does this mean?  Was he faking his attraction for me?  Was he always secretly wishing I'd go on a diet?  Was he checking out skinnier girls, wishing I could be more like them?  Did he (gasp) have to think about someone else during sex?  All of these horrible things go through your head.  Moments you thought you looked sexy...he thought you looked fat.

I know I'm not skinny.  I would really like to be skinnier.  I didn't think I was FAT, either.  But, maybe my self-perception is bad.  Before this, I felt like I was in a place in my life where my body was fine.  Not perfect, but an adult woman, curvy, flawed, perfectly okay body.  Now I feel like shit.  Now I feel like moving into a gym and chewing on sprouts.

I will be skinny, then.  It's decided.  Off to operation starvation part 2.  Let's do this.

But, my God, what an asshole this guy is.  After all we've been through.  So petty.  So cruel.

Addendum: Most importantly, PLEASE remember how HORRIBLE it is for girls to hear these things.  Be kind.  If you call them fat, even as a joke, they will remember your words forEVER.  Probably verbatim.  And she may laugh it off then, but you'd better believe she having salad for dinner tonight.  Comments like those can end with a 70 pound girl in the hospital, refusing to eat.  Please be more thoughtful, even when you are mad.  Show some compassion for the girls with a little bit of junk in the trunk!  After all, an elephant never forgets (jk).