My Year in Movies

It's that time of year again! You know, that time where I come up with a list of all the movies I have seen that were Oscar elligible for the 2010 awards show. I then separate them, review them, and bastardize them with pretentious film talk, which could only have been learned in the presence of a bunch of smart, nerdy USC film school Jewish boys. My father should be proud.

Movie of the Year: Inglourious Basterds!!!!! I want to watch it every day. I loved everything about it. I was simultaneously angry, laughing, and totally invested in the film. Such beautiful cinematography...such a tight screenplay...perfectly cast and acted. Oh, and P.S. I'm a lesbian for Shoshanna. And please call me "Bear Jew" from now on.

Movies I loved:

500 Days of Summer: This movie is so special to me. It seems to speak to me (and every other member of my generation who has ever been in love or heartbroken, or presumably, both). I am sad to say that I am a total Tom. Anyway, this movie was made for me...with references to The Graduate, a random song and dance break, Joseph Gordon-Levitt (one of my biggest celeb crushes), Zooey's unparalleled indie style, and an Amy-specific soundtrack, this movie is nearly perfect in my eyes. NEARLY. There are a couple things I hate about it, but let's try to stay positive, shall we?

An Education: Again, I really identify with this movie. Especially the notion of getting into an adult relationship as a young girl and being "educated" and "cultured" by this man. Been there, done that...minus the trip to Paris. Damnit, I was gypped! The opening credits are great. I know that sounds really trivial, but it's true. Carey Mulligan is a star, and I hope she pops up in every movie I ever see. You know, like Kristin Wiig. Also, it's a great excuse to demand to be called "Minnie" and call people "Bubble-Up" while they break in your virgin vagina with a banana.

The Hangover: The first time I saw this, it was the funniest movie I had ever seen. The second time I saw it, I was drunk and in the middle of a dramatic romantic crisis. I need to give it a third time to see how that turns out, but I will never forget the sheer exhaustion I felt from laughing hysterically during this movie. The stress level makes all the comedy so much funnier. It's like a Comedy Thriller. Is that a genre? It is now. Props to Zack Galifianakis (I'm too lazy to double check that spelling) for being the funniest person in the world.

Pirate Radio: Why didn't this movie get nominated for anything? Why doesn't anyone talk about this movie? It was one of the warmest and fuzziest nights of my life! I fucking loved it! It was like taking Love Actually and putting it on a pirated radio boat in the 60s in Britain with a bunch of pervy dudes! And a great soundtrack! And Philip Seymour Hoffman! And a gorgeous little twink whose name I don't know, but I sure know his lips. If you are in a bad mood, watch this movie. It's so nice.

Food, Inc.: One of the most important documentaries I've seen. I wish a pro-vegan documentary could take off like this one. Some day. But for now, the slow food movement and awareness about how friggin' creepy our food industry is will have to be good enough. Also, this is just a really great example of how I love my documentaries: divided into clear segments with stories told through interesting characters, and lots of research. Way to go, guys!

Movies I Really Liked

The Cove: A very important story to tell, and very very brave people to tell it. My heroes. I thought it could have been set up a little better, though. I got a little lost and bored at times.

17 Again: YEAH, I SAID IT. This movie was cute. It was touching. It was pretty good. Like, even well-written and funny. And YES, I may just love looking at Zac Efron, but trust me on this one! It was well-worth watching!

Paranormal Activity: Oh JEEEEEEEEEBUS, I was scared. It helps that I saw this with Jonathan on a Saturday night in the Cinerama Dome at the Arclight. Really great energy there. Hid behind my jacket. Simultaneous hysterical laughter and screaming. The. Best. It was so natural! And so suspenseful! Man, it was great.

Funny People: A lot of people didn't like this movie cause it wasn't constant-haha's like most Judd Apatow movies. That's probably why I liked it so much. It felt very real and honest. Adam Sandler was great. I was really invested in the characters and the plot. Good job, Judd, for the umpteenth time.

A Serious Man: WOOOOOO JEWS! Finally, the Coen Brothers didn't bug the hell outta me. Probably cause of the Jews.

Movies I Liked:

Up: I loved it the first time, but nearly fell asleep the second time. Granted, it was right after Thanksgiving dinner. But, would I have nearly fallen asleep during the second viewing of Monsters, Inc. or Toy Story? No. But this movie was really a DELIGHT.

Up In the Air: Sexy, smooth, and tight. No, I'm not talking about George Clooney's asshole. I'm talking about the screenplay. And the movie as a whole. Hole. Okay, also, I'm talking about Clooney's asshole. You got me.

District 9: Innovative. Cutting-edge. Hard to watch. Worth watching. As I keep writing, I realize that I don't really want to write complete. Sentences. Anymore.

Every Little Step: As a gay man and theater lover, how could I not like Every Little Step? It's a documentary about the casting of the revival of A Chorus Line. That being said, it could have been structured better. I'm a documentary snob. And this had a lot of potential that I don't think it lived up to.

The Time Traveler's Wife: I cried twice. Shut up! So did everyone else in the theater. It was nice to see that a mediocre book with bad writing and a great story and many plotholes was adapted for the screen in a more cohesive way. It was surprising. Rachel McAdams and Eric Bana are nice to look at. Especially when he is naked and she is a child. WHAAAAAA? Go watch it.

I Love You, Man: Cute enough to watch, but just barely. The awkward bro-speak got old real fast. Paul Rudd is better in supporting, hilarious roles. I want to bang them both.

The Hurt Locker: Best picture winner? I think not. It's important and sandy and makes me thirsty and hot even though I am sitting on my couch with a blanket and a tall glass of water. It's directed by a woman. Lots of impressive explosions and poignant, convincing acting. It's hard to care about war movies when you are super against the war.

Movies I Don't Care About:

Julie and Julia: Lots of loud eating. Julie is a bitch and Julia is kinda creepy. Yes, I understand Meryl Streep is a goddess and should win an award for every shitty move she does. No one is arguing with that. Honestly, I loved Stanley Tucci more than anything else in this movie. What a creepy little metro.

Movies I Don't Like:

Zombieland. Jesse Eisenwhositwhatsit can suck it. YOU'RE NOT MICHAEL CERA AND YOU NEVER WILL BE. You're just a real-life geek who isn't as hilarious and adorable as Michael Cera! DEAL WITH IT! I liked the Bill Murray part, but the rest of it was just underwhelming and disappointing. I felt irritated with how cute and creative it thought it was being. Yay to Woody Harrelson for making them make him vegan twinkies. Boo for lines that point out how irritating frequent facebook statuses are. And "I haven't cried this hard since Titanic." Hello, comedy writers, these are FIRST DRAFT jokes. I could have come up with funnier stuff when I was 12. Fuck you.

He's Just Not That Into You: And I'm just not that into this movie. I read the book, I'll admit it. I really needed it at the time. Shut up, I was 17. And someone loaned it to me. I didn't buy it! This movie blows. It completely contradicts its whole message at the end. And everyone is an asshole.

Harry Potter and the Half-Assed Prince: Wait, is that not the title?

Movies I HATE:

Watchmen: I tried to nap during this movie. So lost. So bored. So angry at how lost and bored I was. "Oh you really need to read the graphic novel first blah blah blah." I HEAR YOU, NERDY BOYS OF THE WORLD. I hear you! But guess what? A movie should be able to be held up in its own medium, without needed to read the book first!

Paper Heart: Charlyne Yi is number one on my hitlist. You are not cute and quirky. You are autistic. Which would be fine...if you weren't writing and starring in fake documentaries! Convincing stupid people that it is an actual documentary and that you and Michael Cera are an actual couple! Making me hate a movie that Michael Cera is in! How dare you! I saw you walking around Koreatown one time (and yes, it was really her, I'm not just racist). I should have hit you with my car. You fill me with the type of anger only comparable to the rage I feel when listening to The Moldy Peaches.

The Invention of Lying: Oh, Ricky Gervais! He's funny! Oh, Jennifer Garner! She's cute! What a cute little plot. It'll probably be kinda like Ghost Town! WRONG. WRONG. I hated this. HATED IT.

And there we have it. A year in short movie reviews. More to come as I keep adding to the list. Look forward to rude reviews of Precious.