Black Sheep

Bahhhhhhh. I feel so misunderstood. Especially by my family, immediate and extended. I have an amazing core group of friends (Jonathan, Amy, Allie, Lizz, and Kiyoko) who I feel really get who I am, and why I do the things I do. My family, I do believe, has pigeon-holed me as a person who is baby-ish, self-absorbed, irresponsible, immature, whimsical, lazy, impulsive, hot-headed, and selfish. It is hard to not fulfill expectations. It is hard to live up to certain standards. I am very different from all of them, and it is...hard.

I generally like the person I am, but it's hard to like myself when others, who are related, who are forced to love me by laws of blood, do not seem to like me very much. Unconditional love, VERY conditional like. They like my surface--find me entertaining. They think I'm smart. But the stuff in the core of me...they think little of. It makes me so sad.

Away from home, I thrive. Away from home, my kitchen is clean, I have jobs, I get good grades, I wake up on time, I seize the day. Home reverts me back to childhood. Therefore I am desperately trying to get out. Therefore I am desperately trying to prove myself. Therefore I am desperately trying to fight the urge to sleep all day and facebook all night, but it is hard. It is very hard. So, I guess that's the babyishness, the immaturity, the irresponsibility. Though, I really don't think I'm that bad if I were in someone's else's family...someone else's standards.

Self-absorbed and selfish. Two words I've heard from a couple of people lately. I'm looking out for number one, sure. I'm the only me I've got, and until I'm married with children, I am going to put myself before others in a general sense. There will always be circumstances where I put others first, and I believe I do this often, but I need to make sure I'm happy before I can make anyone else happy. I mean, I really can't make anyone else happy.

I am tired. I am drained. I am feeling like the world is against me. I am feeling like curling into a ball and giving up. All these adjectives people use to describe others and describe themselves seem futile. Just be a person and let other be people, too. I'm just a girl at a crossroad, trying to find out what makes me happy. Trying to grow up and be an independent, self-sufficient person. Trying to plant some roots. Trying to make decisions. Trying to be a grown-up. I need some time. Please give me a break.