Bitching is Good for the Soul

I was told today that complaining reduces stress. Probably because you're getting stuff off your chest. You're probably actually transferring your stress to the person you're complaining to. It's like...energy...there's a certain amount of it and you're just bouncing it around. Like, whoa.

I think complaining is fun. I like to rant, and I like listening to people rant (as long as they do it in a colorful way). So, here are some things to complain about. I'm not in a bad mood at all. I am actually feeling pretty positive. However, I feel complaining is healthyyyyyy! Here goes.

1. My sinuses. They are so stupid. They are like, "hey, we're allergic to Yuba City, so...sorry. We plan on being infected as long as you are here. Enjoy having green snot and feeling like your head is going to explode." Well, guess what, sinuses? Screw you! You've been my worst enemy since kindergarten and I hate you!!! Grow up!

2. Parents or pet owners who tell their babies/children/pets to "say" something. Example: I was watching Toddlers and Tiaras (shut up, I'm bored!) and there was this really obnoxious stage mom who was taking her daughter to get an airbrush tan...already a lot of things wrong with the picture, actually... Anywho, the little girl's name was Angelle (also a problem) and after the tanning lady said "hi" to the two of them, the mom said, "Say, 'Hi, I'm Angelle!'" Except she said it in this baby voice. Like, "Angewwe." Ewwwwwww. Or like, when you walk into someone's house and their dog is barking and you and their owner says, "He says, 'Who are you?!'" Don't speak for you babies/children/animals, please. It's annoying.

3. Segue alert! Dogs sniff people when they meet them. You know...it's what they do. They're dogs. People know this. Why, then, do 99% of people who are meeting a dog who is sniffing them say, "Oh, I bet you smell my dogs, huh! Oh, do you smell my kitties? Oh, do I smell like the pot roast I was just cooking?" Yes, the dog smells all of these things. But he/she will sniff you regardless. ARGH!

4. Using accents for no reason at all. Especially if it's a bad, unidentified accent. We get it--you like Monty Python or Shakespeare or Jane Austen. But you aren't Britalianish. Soooooooo stop.

5. People who can't stay on their parts in a multi-part song. I realize not everyone can be godlike in the reading music department. I take that skill for granted (I'm not a prodigy, y'all, I just learned to read music when I was 4). But I can't count how many times I have to sing an alto part because it's too hard for the numbnuts who keep jumping up to the soprano line. I'm a soprano! A high, Snow White, young Joni Mitchell, dolphin soprano! I am the furthest thing from an alto! Don't make me switch with you cause you can't sing a third lower than me! Learn your part, yo! Ughhhhhh.

6. Recapping after a make out sesh/hookup with the person you made out with/hooked up with. Ummmm...we were both there, do we really need to turn this into awkward city by referencing things that happened that night? Just suck the sexy right out of it, why dontcha. Here's a thought: Stop talking about it and just DO it.

7. Endless hip hop songs about A. Making lots of money; B. Having to fight against everything to make forementioned money; C. People not believing in you during that journey to the top. Booooooooo hoooooooooooo. Sing more about sluts dancing in clubs!! And not being disrespectful! And fires burning on dance floors!

8. Defriending/blocking people on facebook to prove a point. I seem to recall things like that happeninng via Yahoo Messenger circa 1998. Most people I know are 20 or older. I'm pretty sure that expressing yourself with words, rather than passive aggressive facebook actions, should be expected of your adult self.

9. LOL! This implies that you are just sitting at your computer, DYING of laughter. Like, tears streaming down your face, belly laugh, ab-wrenching laughter. After you write a mildly (putting it nicely) comment on someone's status or picture, are you really LOL!!!!!!ing? REALLY?! REALLY?!?!?!??!

10. Really dull people whose most sophisticated use of humor is sarcasm who think that people who don't laugh at their terrible jokes don't "get" them. We get them. They just aren't funny. You aren't funny. Sarcasm generally isn't funny. Watch some 30 Rock or Demetri Martin or Arrested Development and get back to me on "funny."

Bitching session--OVER! Man, do I feel good. LOL!!!!!!!