The Weight Of Your Words

There have been three times in my life that someone has called me/insinuated that I was fat.  The first was a guy named Bryan, who was friends with my ex-boyfriend.  Someone left their Myspace (yes, it was that long ago) open, and he had sent someone a message referring to me as a "chubby 19-year-old."  Growing up, I was always really skinny.  Despite my genetic predisposition for obesity, I was a string-bean, who could eat anything I wanted without working off the calories.  The weight gain was so gradual, I didn't even really notice...until I was called a "chubby 19-year old."  That thoughtless comment, which the guy probably didn't think twice about, sent me into a tailspin of dieting that was near-dangerous.  I was obsessively counting calories (Weight Watcher points, actually) for about 6 months.  I lost about 15 pounds in 2 months, which is a lot for someone who didn't start out very big.  The pleasure I got from dropping weight, doing math for every bite, and fitting into high school clothes became compulsive.  I didn't want to do anything outside of the house that might involve me slipping up and eating more calories than I had allotted to my day.  At home, in my kitchen, with my legal pad listing everything I ate that day, I was in control.  The master of my destiny.  I could fight the doom of pending obesity off with my little point system.

I ended up studying abroad in New Zealand, where I, quite frankly, lost count.  I started gaining weight there, after eating crummy, processed college food and going out drinking for the first time in my life.  I started feeling pretty bad about myself, and since then, have had bouts of dieting, but none so successful as that first time.  I keep thinking I could do it all over again--I did it once!  However, the busy, college lifestyle and lack of money makes it hard.  Or maybe that's just excuses for me to keep eating like a fatass.

The second time someone called me fat happened a couple of years ago by a mean, older Korean woman in Santa Monica who was giving me a massage.  In the middle of my "relaxing" massage, she says, "You eat too much, you get fat.  You not fat now, but you need be careful."  I almost started crying on that massage table.  I hated that woman.  Who does that?!  In the middle of your expensive, relaxing, private time, while you're naked and vulnerable on a table...that bitch.

The third time happened today.  This is by far the worst.  My ex-boyfriend tweeted a comment about how breaking up with me was "a weight off his shoulders and a weight of his bed...poor bed had to support all that weight."  I've told him before that the meanest thing he could call me was fat, but so far, he had never crossed that line.  Now, I think, he must have been completely disgusted by my naked body.  All the vulnerability and nakedness in a sexual relationship...and now I think he must have just been staring at my cellulite or love handles or chubby arms.  My heart absolutely sank when I read this.  What does this mean?  Was he faking his attraction for me?  Was he always secretly wishing I'd go on a diet?  Was he checking out skinnier girls, wishing I could be more like them?  Did he (gasp) have to think about someone else during sex?  All of these horrible things go through your head.  Moments you thought you looked sexy...he thought you looked fat.

I know I'm not skinny.  I would really like to be skinnier.  I didn't think I was FAT, either.  But, maybe my self-perception is bad.  Before this, I felt like I was in a place in my life where my body was fine.  Not perfect, but an adult woman, curvy, flawed, perfectly okay body.  Now I feel like shit.  Now I feel like moving into a gym and chewing on sprouts.

I will be skinny, then.  It's decided.  Off to operation starvation part 2.  Let's do this.

But, my God, what an asshole this guy is.  After all we've been through.  So petty.  So cruel.

Addendum: Most importantly, PLEASE remember how HORRIBLE it is for girls to hear these things.  Be kind.  If you call them fat, even as a joke, they will remember your words forEVER.  Probably verbatim.  And she may laugh it off then, but you'd better believe she having salad for dinner tonight.  Comments like those can end with a 70 pound girl in the hospital, refusing to eat.  Please be more thoughtful, even when you are mad.  Show some compassion for the girls with a little bit of junk in the trunk!  After all, an elephant never forgets (jk).